Ask Mrs Smith...

Q. Dear Mrs Smith,
Help me i accidentally threw an egg at David Cameron I also ATE A FIVE YEAR OLD BOY

Help me...

A. To really help you overcome this problem, we need to identify what you need help with. What worries you the most? Is it the fact that you turned to cannibalism and ate a five year old? Is it that you are worried you can not control this urge of cannibalism and you may strike again, which could have even more serious consequences and complications if it was to be a loved one? Or, is it that the five year old is waiting to be digested, and you fear the worst for your health? I advise that you go and see a doctor IMMEDIATLY! He/she should be able to remove the five year old and you will be free from all possible health risks, however, if there is a risk of eating the doctor I would seriously consider confining yourself to a cave and hope for the best....with any luck you will only have stomach cramps for a few days. If the cravings persist, it may be best to give in, and find yourself a new victim...perhaps a member of the BNPs, or, if you're brave enough to put up with the taste, David Cameron! By taking your anti-conservative policy to the next level (congratulations on your successful egging btw) you will not only manage to satisfy your cannibalistic urges, but also impress your friends with your ability to eat a grown man, and not just a meagre five year old.

Q. Dear Mrs Smith,

My closest friends think I'm a paedophile.

A. OK, please allow me to use an anecdote here. I have a close(ish) friend (who in this particular analogy we shall call Michael in order to protect his identity and limit the risk of humiliations and mockery.) Since starting at a new college a year and a half ago, he has made a very close group of new friends. Unfortunately for Michael, this group seem to find it hilariously amusing to give each other nicknames, and poor Michael's nickname is 'PaedoBoy'. No one is sure how this came about, it may just be that he has a general attraction to girls younger than him. Regardless, the consequences of this nickname have been severe and  a few nasty rumours have started which make it very difficult for him to talk to any younger girls in front of his friends. This naturally caused a rift in our friendship. Michael refused to talk to me unless he was alone. It wasn't until recently that  there was a significant break through. For the first time I can ever recall, Michael spoke to me in public. Yes, it may have only been about my German oral exam, but still, this small improvement is proof that he has finally learned to accept his nickname. The only thing I can really suggest is for you to follow Michael's example and accept your friends views in good humour, make a few possibly jokes about it and maybe even go to such lengths as to call yourself 'PaedoBoy' - extreme I know - but by resorting to these measures you're showing your friends that the prospect of you being a Paedophile is ridiculous and is nothing more than a joke. Unless you ARE a paedophile, in this case, I urge you to stay away from young girls for their sake!

Thankyou for all letters sent in, and apologies for any that weren't published, we shall try our best to publish them in the next issue. So, keep sending all your niggly little queries to agonyaunt@painterschronicle.co.uk

Hope to hear from you soon,

Love Mrs Smith  x