Ramble 'N' Rave

On Friday 11th June, Billy and PC subscripient Sam Harris will be hosting a fundraising event; Ramble ‘N’ Rave. This event will be taking place by popular demand due to the success of the New Year’s Day Treasure Hunt. The night consists of a family friendly treasure hunt, a barbecue and to finish the night off some live music from local talent. The bands playing will be Savaloy, Pink Elephant Fish and The Reverse.

The evening will commence at 6.00 and the latest time for families wishing to take part in the treasure hunt will be 8.00. The barbecue will be available from 8.30, with the live entertainment starting from 9.00. Admission for this event will be just £5 per family or £2 per head. The treasure hunt starts and finishes at Mytholmroyd Community Centre. 

Please come along and support two great causes (Great Generation and WSJ 2011).

For further information please email info@painterschronicle.co.uk 

Ask Mrs Smith...

Q. Dear Mrs Smith,
Help me i accidentally threw an egg at David Cameron I also ATE A FIVE YEAR OLD BOY

Help me...

A. To really help you overcome this problem, we need to identify what you need help with. What worries you the most? Is it the fact that you turned to cannibalism and ate a five year old? Is it that you are worried you can not control this urge of cannibalism and you may strike again, which could have even more serious consequences and complications if it was to be a loved one? Or, is it that the five year old is waiting to be digested, and you fear the worst for your health? I advise that you go and see a doctor IMMEDIATLY! He/she should be able to remove the five year old and you will be free from all possible health risks, however, if there is a risk of eating the doctor I would seriously consider confining yourself to a cave and hope for the best....with any luck you will only have stomach cramps for a few days. If the cravings persist, it may be best to give in, and find yourself a new victim...perhaps a member of the BNPs, or, if you're brave enough to put up with the taste, David Cameron! By taking your anti-conservative policy to the next level (congratulations on your successful egging btw) you will not only manage to satisfy your cannibalistic urges, but also impress your friends with your ability to eat a grown man, and not just a meagre five year old.

Q. Dear Mrs Smith,

My closest friends think I'm a paedophile.

A. OK, please allow me to use an anecdote here. I have a close(ish) friend (who in this particular analogy we shall call Michael in order to protect his identity and limit the risk of humiliations and mockery.) Since starting at a new college a year and a half ago, he has made a very close group of new friends. Unfortunately for Michael, this group seem to find it hilariously amusing to give each other nicknames, and poor Michael's nickname is 'PaedoBoy'. No one is sure how this came about, it may just be that he has a general attraction to girls younger than him. Regardless, the consequences of this nickname have been severe and  a few nasty rumours have started which make it very difficult for him to talk to any younger girls in front of his friends. This naturally caused a rift in our friendship. Michael refused to talk to me unless he was alone. It wasn't until recently that  there was a significant break through. For the first time I can ever recall, Michael spoke to me in public. Yes, it may have only been about my German oral exam, but still, this small improvement is proof that he has finally learned to accept his nickname. The only thing I can really suggest is for you to follow Michael's example and accept your friends views in good humour, make a few possibly jokes about it and maybe even go to such lengths as to call yourself 'PaedoBoy' - extreme I know - but by resorting to these measures you're showing your friends that the prospect of you being a Paedophile is ridiculous and is nothing more than a joke. Unless you ARE a paedophile, in this case, I urge you to stay away from young girls for their sake!

Thankyou for all letters sent in, and apologies for any that weren't published, we shall try our best to publish them in the next issue. So, keep sending all your niggly little queries to agonyaunt@painterschronicle.co.uk

Hope to hear from you soon,

Love Mrs Smith  x

Desert Island Discs: New Castaway!

Hello all, It's time to reveal the next castaway for our Desert Island Discs Feature - I have plunged my hand once more into my fez, and the God's have decided that our second ever castaway will be...

Sophie Hoyle

Sophie is a member of the new web-team, and helps produce the agony aunt feature which appears on the website. I'm sure you all anticipate her Desert Island Discs choices (which will be going on the site in a fortnight) as much as I do. Until next time,

Callum MacRae

Website Manager - Painter's Chronicle E-Magazine

Web: www.painterschronicle.co.uk

Email: callummacrae@painterschronicle.co.uk
Tel: 07970 440 467

Sincerest Apologies

Dear all subscripients,

Those of you down at the stall today (and no doubt many of you were) will have noticed that unfortunatly I wasn't around for my much anticipated book launch. Unfortunatly this is because my plane from Gatwick to Manchester was delayed and because I have to be in Edinburgh tonight, there simply wasn't enough time with the delay to come to Hebden then up to Scotland. I am therefore sincerly sorry to have missed the BGW - but from what Billy has told me, it was a really good day.

All the best,

Robert Holme

PC Stall

Well, tomorrow is the big day - the Painter's Chronicle board will be in Hebden Bridge at their stall from 9 till 5 raising awareness and funds for the Chronicle. Not only will you meet real life members of the board, old and new, but you will be entertained by a whole host of acts - from jugglers to live music, the PC stall is going to be a-buzz with the finest entertainment the youth of Calderdale have to offer. As if this wasn't enough, the board, friends and subscripients have spent all day baking delicious cakes of all kinds (see our facebook page for a full list of possible appearances) especially for you. In addition to this already irresistable line up, THE Robert Holme KBE will be in attendance to read a selection from his new anthology - a rare opportunity you would be mad/incapacitated/'away' (cough JOE COTTON cough) to miss. Anyway, I look forward to seeing you all tomorrow, it promises to be a truly enjoyable day,

Callum MacRae

Website Manager - Painter's Chronicle E-Magazine

Web: www.painterschronicle.co.uk

Email: callummacrae@painterschronicle.co.uk

Film Review With Sam Larner

Wimbledon

Wimbledon is a 2004 romantic comedy starring Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst. It’s directed by Richard Loncraine who’s previous works include an episode of “Band of Brothers” and the cult classic “Slade in Flames”. So how does this offering fare?

Well firstly let’s start with the bad points. The tennis shown in the film is just awful; it’s displayed in a way that makes you assume it must surely be deliberately terrible. It makes you wonder if Loncraine has only ever seen Wii tennis and is now basing a film on that.

Secondly, this is a film where anyone who has ever seen any kind of movie before will be able to say exactly what happens. Let me just set it up for you, Paul Bettany is a mid-ranked tennis player who is competing in his last Wimbledon championship. He falls for Kirsten Dunst who is a leading female tennis player. Now, bearing in a mind that this is a romantic comedy and so they must go through a rough patch, can you guess the plot?

Thirdly, it is just Hollywood sugary, confectionary, rom-com, clichéd bile.

Despite all these things I couldn’t help but be utterly charmed by the film. I thought Kirsten Dunst was absolutely brilliant as the love interest and she is the successful female, the type required in all rom-coms (Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” and “Notting Hill”). Paul Bettany is also fantastic as the down and out tennis player who’s got the money but not the success that he would’ve wished from his tennis career. Throughout Wimbledon his challengers are like characters from Wacky Races and are obviously planned to make you despise them.

So, no it’s not the best film I’ve ever seen, in fact it’s not even in the top 25, but as a purely mindless hour and a half it’s hard to beat. And in a time when Hollywood movies are getting shallower and shallower this is quite a refreshing change. Give me this over “Leap Year” and “The Holiday” any day.

On a separate note as a new addition to this column I will be including a movie trivia section relating to the film reviewed. The 2010 film “Leap Year” includes in the trailer a scene which is 76 minutes into the film, this leaves just 14 minutes of the film not explained by the trailer!

Lastly, a cult classic from the 80’s “Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death” is written by J.F.Lawson, the same man who wrote “Pretty Women”, the first is far more romantic, although finding it in video shops is difficult.

And as a quick note from me, this review reminded me of a brilliant song by my idol Ezra Furman - Kirsten Dunst, by Ezra Furman - enjoy! 

Callum MacRae

Website Manager - Painter's Chronicle E-Magazine

Email: callummacrae@painterschronicle.co.uk

 

Book Launch, Moorland Crows

The Painter's Chronicle, Big Green Weekend 2010